Why Networking Feels Inauthentic (And How to Fix It)

You know you’re supposed to network. Every career article says so. Every successful person credits their network. Every time you’re job hunting or need help with something, you wish you’d built better professional relationships.

But whenever you try, it feels fake. You’re pretending to care about someone’s weekend when you really just want to ask them for an introduction. You’re forcing small talk with strangers at events where everyone else seems comfortable. You’re sending LinkedIn messages that sound like template spam even to you.

The problem isn’t that you’re bad at networking. It’s that you’re treating relationship-building like a transaction, and everyone—including you—can tell.

The Problem

You’ve been told that networking is essential for career success. That you need to “expand your network.” That opportunities come from who you know, not what you know. That you should be strategically building relationships with people who can help you advance.

So you try. You go to industry events. You accept those networking happy hours. You send connection requests on LinkedIn to people you met briefly at a conference. You schedule coffee chats with people in roles you’re interested in.

And the whole time, you feel like a fraud.

You’re asking questions you don’t really care about the answers to. You’re pretending to be interested in someone’s work when you’re actually just trying to figure out if they can help you. You’re exchanging business cards with people you’ll probably never talk to again. You’re playing a game everyone else seems to understand but you find exhausting and hollow.

The advice you get doesn’t help. “Just be yourself!” But yourself doesn’t walk up to strangers at conferences and start conversations. “Find common ground!” But you have nothing in common with these people except the industry you happen to work in. “Follow up after meeting someone!” But what are you supposed to say? “Hey, remember me from that event where we had an awkward five-minute conversation?”

You watch other people network effortlessly. They seem genuinely excited to meet new people. They remember details about everyone. They maintain relationships that look real. They can ask for favors without it feeling weird. They’re constantly introducing people to each other and creating value through their connections.

Meanwhile, you’re anxiously scanning the room at networking events, dreading the moment when you have to approach someone, rehearsing your elevator pitch, wondering how long you have to stay before it’s socially acceptable to leave.

When you do force yourself to network, the relationships don’t stick. You connect on LinkedIn, maybe exchange one polite email, then never talk again. The “network” you’re building is just a list of names of people who barely remember you.

Worse, when you actually need help—when you’re job hunting or looking for advice or need an introduction—reaching out to these tenuous connections feels presumptuous. You haven’t talked in a year. Why would they help you? You didn’t build a real relationship. You just collected a contact.

The whole enterprise feels transactional and manipulative. You’re supposed to be nice to people because they might be useful later. You’re supposed to maintain relationships not because you care about the person but because they have professional value. It feels gross.

Why this happens to knowledge workers

For knowledge workers, networking feels particularly inauthentic because you’re being asked to perform a version of socializing that contradicts everything else about how you operate professionally.

Your work success comes from being genuine, from doing what you say you’ll do, from building trust through consistent delivery. You value competence, directness, and substance over style. You probably chose knowledge work partly because it rewards actual skills and output rather than pure social performance.

But traditional networking advice asks you to be strategic about relationships in ways that feel manipulative. “Network up, not just across.” “Target influential people in your field.” “Always be adding value to your network.” This isn’t how real friendships work. It’s how sales relationships work.

The cognitive dissonance is exhausting. You know intellectually that professional relationships are important. But you can’t shake the feeling that calculating who to befriend based on their potential utility is fundamentally dishonest.

Research suggests that many people—especially introverts and those who value authenticity—experience physical discomfort when networking because it triggers the same psychological responses as lying or acting against your values. Your body knows you’re performing a role rather than being genuine.

Knowledge workers also tend to be more task-focused than relationship-focused. You think about problems to solve, projects to complete, skills to develop. The idea of putting time and energy into relationships that don’t have an immediate practical purpose feels inefficient.

When networking is framed as “building your network” rather than “meeting interesting people,” it becomes another task on your list rather than a potentially enjoyable human activity. You’re optimizing for network size and quality instead of just having conversations with people you find interesting.

This creates a counterproductive mindset where every professional interaction is evaluated for its networking potential. You can’t just have a conversation with a colleague without wondering if you should try to maintain the relationship strategically. You can’t just help someone without calculating whether it’s good for your network.

Many knowledge workers also struggle with networking because they’ve internalized the idea that asking for help is weakness. You’re supposed to figure things out yourself. You’re supposed to earn opportunities through merit, not connections. Networking feels like gaming the system rather than succeeding on your own abilities.

This is particularly true if you come from a background where networking wasn’t normalized. If you didn’t grow up seeing professional networking modeled, if you’re first-generation in your field, if you come from a culture that values different kinds of relationship-building, the whole enterprise can feel foreign and uncomfortable.

The traditional networking advice is also designed for extroverts who recharge through social interaction. If you’re someone who finds social events draining, being told to attend more events and meet more people isn’t helpful—it’s torture.

What Most People Try

When networking feels terrible, most people try to power through with more structure. They set goals: meet three new people per week. They schedule informational interviews. They commit to attending one networking event per month. They treat it like exercise—something unpleasant that you do because it’s good for you.

This sometimes works in the sense that you do meet people and expand your contact list. But it doesn’t solve the fundamental problem that it still feels fake. You’re just being more disciplined about doing something you hate.

The relationships you build this way are shallow because they’re formed under false pretenses. You’re not actually interested in getting to know these people. You’re checking a box. And they can usually tell.

Some people try to make networking less painful by attending industry events that sound interesting. Instead of generic networking mixers, they go to technical talks or panel discussions. At least you’re learning something, even if the networking part still feels forced.

This is better than pure networking events, but you often end up standing awkwardly in the corner after the talk, not talking to anyone, then feeling guilty that you didn’t “maximize the opportunity.” You’re there physically but not really engaging.

Others try to optimize for efficiency. They use apps to track who they’ve met and schedule automated follow-ups. They prepare questions in advance. They have their elevator pitch memorized. They’re trying to systemize relationship-building the way they’d systemize any other workflow.

But relationships don’t respond well to automation. When someone receives a templated follow-up message, they know it. When you’re clearly working through a script, it shows. The efficiency actually makes the inauthenticity worse, not better.

Many people cope by avoiding networking entirely and hoping their work will speak for itself. They focus on being excellent at their job and assume opportunities will come to them based on merit. They tell themselves that if they’re good enough, they won’t need to network.

This can work if you’re exceptionally talented and very lucky. But most opportunities aren’t publicized openly. Most hiring happens through referrals. Most collaborations start through personal connections. By opting out of networking entirely, you’re dramatically limiting your options.

Some knowledge workers try to replace networking with online presence. They’re active on LinkedIn or Twitter. They write blog posts or give talks. They build a professional brand that attracts opportunities to them rather than having to pursue opportunities through relationships.

This can be effective, especially for people who communicate better in writing than in person. But it’s still one-directional. You’re broadcasting, not connecting. You might get inbound interest, but you’re not building the kinds of reciprocal relationships that create long-term career resilience.

Others simply embrace the inauthenticity and treat networking as a performance. They develop their networking persona—the version of themselves that’s outgoing, interested in everyone, always positive. They put on this persona for events and professional interactions, then go home and be themselves.

This takes enormous emotional energy and often leads to burnout. You’re constantly code-switching between your authentic self and your networking self. The gap between the two creates stress, and the relationships you build through the persona don’t feel real because they’re not with the real you.

The underlying problem is that all these approaches accept the premise that networking requires being someone you’re not or doing things that feel wrong to you. They’re trying to make an inauthentic process more bearable rather than making the process itself authentic.

What Actually Helps

1. Replace “networking” with genuine curiosity about people’s work

The biggest shift that makes professional relationship-building feel authentic is changing what you’re actually trying to do. You’re not trying to “network.” You’re not trying to “build your network.” You’re trying to learn from people doing interesting work.

When you approach professional relationships from genuine curiosity rather than strategic networking, everything changes. You’re not performing interest—you’re actually interested. You’re not asking questions because you’re supposed to—you’re asking because you want to know the answers.

Start by only pursuing connections with people whose work you genuinely find interesting. Not people who are strategically positioned. Not people who could help your career. People whose projects, approaches, or perspectives you actually want to understand better.

This immediately solves the authenticity problem because your interest is real. When you reach out to someone because you read their paper or used their product or heard them speak and genuinely want to know more, that comes through. People can tell the difference between “I want to network with you” and “I’m genuinely curious about what you’re working on.”

Many people find it helpful to reframe outreach entirely. Instead of “Can I pick your brain?” or “Can we do a networking coffee?” try being specific about what you’re curious about. “I read your post about database scaling and I’m trying to solve a similar problem. Would you be willing to talk about your approach?”

The specificity does two things. First, it demonstrates genuine engagement rather than generic networking. Second, it gives the other person a concrete reason to say yes that’s about sharing knowledge rather than doing you a favor.

When you do connect with someone, let the conversation be driven by actual curiosity rather than a networking agenda. Ask about the parts of their work you genuinely want to understand. Notice what lights them up when they talk and ask more about that. Share your own relevant experiences and challenges.

This creates real conversations rather than networking performances. You’re both engaged because you’re talking about things you actually care about. The relationship forms naturally out of shared interests rather than being forced for professional gain.

Stop trying to meet lots of people. Focus on having real conversations with a few people. Quality over quantity isn’t just a cliché—it’s the difference between having 500 LinkedIn connections who barely remember you and having 20 professional relationships where mutual respect and genuine interest exist.

Think about how you form personal friendships. You don’t try to be friends with everyone. You connect with people you find interesting, funny, smart, or kind. You spend time with them because you enjoy it, not because they might be useful someday. Professional relationships can work the same way.

2. Lead with giving, but only when it’s genuine

One of the most common pieces of networking advice is “always add value” or “give before you ask.” The idea is sound—relationships should be reciprocal. But the execution often feels forced and calculating.

When people try to “add value” strategically, it shows. Sending someone an article because you think you should stay on their radar is different from sending someone an article because you read it and immediately thought of them.

The key is only giving when the giving is genuine and natural, not when it’s a networking strategy. If you come across something that would actually help someone you know, send it. If you can make an introduction that would genuinely benefit both parties, make it. If someone asks a question you can answer, answer it.

But don’t force it. Don’t send people random articles just to “stay in touch.” Don’t offer help you’re not equipped to give. Don’t make introductions that don’t actually make sense. Forced value-adding is obvious and off-putting.

Many people find that the most natural way to give in professional contexts is to be genuinely helpful when people ask for something you can provide. Someone posts a question on social media that you know the answer to? Answer it. Someone’s looking for recommendations in an area where you have experience? Share your experience.

This kind of helping doesn’t feel transactional because you’re not doing it to get something. You’re doing it because you have information or experience that’s relevant and sharing it costs you almost nothing.

You can also contribute to professional communities without any expectation of direct return. Write blog posts about problems you’ve solved. Answer questions in forums or Slack communities. Share your work publicly. This creates value for the community and makes you more visible, but you’re not targeting specific individuals for strategic relationship-building.

When you do eventually need help—when you’re job hunting or looking for advice or need an introduction—it won’t feel as transactional because you’ve been contributing all along. You’re not suddenly showing up asking for favors. You’re asking for help from a community you’ve been part of.

The reciprocity that matters isn’t tit-for-tat exchanges with specific individuals. It’s being someone who contributes to the broader professional community in ways that feel natural to you. Over time, this creates goodwill and relationships that feel earned rather than manufactured.

Stop calculating whether helping someone will “benefit your network.” Just help people when you can do so easily and genuinely. Stop tracking who owes you what. Just be someone who’s helpful when it’s natural to be helpful.

3. Build relationships around shared work, not networking events

The most authentic professional relationships form through actually working together, not through networking events. When you collaborate with someone on a project, solve problems together, or help each other ship something, the relationship forms naturally through shared experience.

This suggests a completely different approach to building professional relationships: look for opportunities to work with interesting people rather than opportunities to meet interesting people.

This might mean contributing to open source projects where people you admire are active. It might mean volunteering for cross-functional initiatives at work that put you in contact with people from other teams. It might mean joining working groups or committees in professional organizations.

The key is that you’re building the relationship through the work itself, not through small talk and follow-up emails. You’re seeing how each other think, solve problems, handle challenges. You’re building trust through actual collaboration.

Many people find this approach much more natural than traditional networking because it plays to their strengths. Knowledge workers are generally good at working with others on substantive problems. You’re much less good at cocktail party conversation with strangers.

When you work with someone, you also have built-in reasons to stay in touch. You can genuinely ask how that project turned out. You can share relevant updates about similar work you’re doing. The ongoing connection makes sense in context rather than being an artificial “touching base.”

This doesn’t mean you should never go to professional events. But when you do, go to events where you’ll actually be doing something together rather than just mingling. Workshops, hackathons, study groups, book clubs—contexts where there’s a shared activity that structures the interaction.

You can also create your own shared work contexts. Start a reading group around topics you care about. Organize a casual meetup for people working on similar problems. Propose collaborative projects. The event or activity is an excuse to bring people together, but the work creates the relationship.

Think about your strongest professional relationships. They probably didn’t form at networking events. They formed through working together, through being on the same team, through collaborating on projects, through helping each other solve problems. You can deliberately create more of those contexts instead of forcing yourself into networking contexts that feel unnatural.

Stop trying to network. Start trying to find interesting people to work with, learn from, or collaborate with on things you both care about. The relationships that form will feel real because they are real—they’re based on actual shared experience and mutual respect, not strategic connection-building.

The Takeaway

Networking feels inauthentic when you treat it as a transaction—collecting contacts and strategically building relationships with people who might be useful. The solution isn’t to get better at performing networking. It’s to replace networking with genuine curiosity about people’s work, contribute to your professional community in ways that feel natural rather than calculating who owes you what, and build relationships through actual collaboration rather than forced small talk at events. You don’t need a bigger network. You need a few real professional relationships built on genuine interest and shared experience.